Establishing Your Personal and Professional Network in a New City
Episode 458 | Host: Emilie Aries | Guest: Emily Merrell
How do you move cities without totally starting over?
Moving to a new city—whether it’s for you or your partner, across the country or an hour away—causes inevitable vertigo and a whole lot of roots that need to be resettled. Who better than a professional community builder and networking pro to offer insight on getting back into the swing of things in a new space?
Emily Merrell is the founder of Second Degree Society, a widespread women’s networking membership, and the Ready Set Coach coaching community. A few years ago, she relocated from San Francisco to Denver, after previously moving coast-to-coast from New York City to the Bay Area, and her recounting of how she’s established herself - both as a young, child-free professional and now as a working mom - will give you some great tips when you tackle your own relocation.
Get uncomfortable
One of the game-changers Emily swears by when it comes to reestablishing yourself in a new center is to kick your own behind out of your comfort zone. This doesn’t mean you have to dive into a board member position or take up skydiving (though it certainly could!)—something as simple as trying a new style of workout class or signing up for a pottery night works as well. Emily set herself a goal to choose something that would shake up her schedule at least once a week.
Ask people out
This shouldn’t be a surprise, coming from a professional networker, but another of Emily’s top tips for starting fresh in a new city is initiating friend dates wherever the opportunities present themselves. Whether that’s on a cross-country flight, like Emily shares in the episode, or in the waiting room before yin yoga, the only way to get to know people is to meet people, right?
And sure, you might stumble into the odd flop of a first date—who hasn’t? But if you’re already seeking out spaces that intrigue you in your goal to get uncomfortable, chances are you’ll hit upon many potential new friends that really resonate; you’re bound to find some keepers or at least get a leg up on your networking!
Remove your “out” with investing ahead of time
This tip ties into the first one, but it’s an important distinction. It’s never enough to just say you’re going to “try to get to” a new experience or a weekly class. Set yourself up for success by taking the option to bail out of the equation. Of course, the unexpected will come up now and then, but if you build weekly classes into your schedule or purchase memberships or punch cards, you’re that much more likely to attend because you already made the downpayment on that experience.
This tip comes with a benefit beyond expanding your social network. There’s an ever-growing pile of research supporting the positive effects of moving your body, so whether you’re scheduling a yoga class or walking to your movie date, plugging in those inescapable motivations to move can make a huge difference to your mental and physical health (like giving you more energy to pursue other opportunities for connection in your new city)!
Balancing networking with caregiving isn’t easy - but it is possible!
Emily and I spent some time discussing how different it is to uproot your life and resettle when you’re a single lady in your 20’s versus a parent in your 30’s. Many of us experience a disruption and renegotiation of our personality and purpose after we have kids, and this can result in letting our child-free friends fall away or isolating ourselves as we focus all our “free” time on family.
Reevaluating your priorities and learning to take a beat before agreeing to every invitation is essential to maintaining sanity, but Emily also encourages parents of young children in new cities to avoid limiting themselves to the most obvious friend groups or stepping back from social interactions altogether. Finding the right balance for you takes work, but it’s worth it to create a new life that’s fulfilling for you in this new place.
How did my conversation with Emily resonate with you? Have you experienced a new city crisis or have one on the horizon? Let us know how you dealt, what you’ve been worried about, or weigh in on the balance between networking and caregiving on our Courage Community on Facebook or our group on LinkedIn.
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[INTRO MUSIC IN]
EMILIE: Hey, and welcome to the Bossed Up podcast, episode 458. I'm your host, Emilie Aries, the founder and CEO of Bossed Up, and today I'm excited to be joined by a longtime friend, a recently new and local to Denver neighbor, and a fellow Emily.
Emily Merrell is on today to share with us her best secrets for how to start over in a brand new city. I feel like so many of us are navigating post-COVID social isolation, rustiness. We're looking for some tips and tricks for becoming more socially engaged, even if we haven't moved across the country. And for a lot of us who have or have considered making a big move, it can feel like too daunting a task once you are entrenched in a community.
Well Emily is here to set those fears aside and help us come up with some practical strategies for how to navigate work, life, family, motherhood, when relocating to a totally new place. As a little background, Emily Merrell is the founder and business coach at, Second Degree Society. She's also the co founder of Ready Set Coach and the podcast host of the Second Degree Society and Ready Set Coach podcasts.
Since her leap into entrepreneurship in 2016, Emily's expertise in community building, networking and business coaching has been applauded and featured by Refinery 29, Britten Company, Girlboss, Forbes Create and Cultivate, and Huffington Post. She's a recent Denver transplant from SF and New York City, and in her spare time you can find her playing with her son Jackson, playing the name game to figure out who she knows that you might know, or practicing yoga, or planning her next taco night. Emily, welcome to the Bossed Up podcast.
EMILY: Emilie, it's so good to see you.
[INTRO MUSIC FADES]
EMILIE: I just have to disclose for everyone listening that we have a long overdue like, hangout IRL in about 2 hours. So this is like, the podcast before the offline podcast, which I very much appreciate. Emily, so thanks for making time. How long have you been in Denver now?
EMILY: I moved here in January 2022 as a youth.
[LAUGHTER]
EMILIE: As a youth. So let's rewind the clock and first of all, tell me a little bit about your journey. You've lived in New York, San Fran, now Denver, and throughout this time you've built quite a reputation and a whole business around community building. So tell me a little bit about that journey.
EMILY: I think of my reputation, I'm like, oh my god, should I feel shame? Is this a good reputation?...
[LAUGHTER]
EMILIE: It’s great, it’s great
EMILY: …What kind of reputation? Um, no, I'm just kidding. Yeah, so I am, um, a perpetual networker. I am a super connector, one of those individuals that, my version of Tourette's is like the name game, essentially. I can't not play it. Or if I can't find, like, a commonality between us, I'm left perplexed and stumped until I get to the bottom of it. So it's really, it's deep rooted within me.
I started my career, just background on me, doing special events and marketing in New York City for high luxury fashion companies. I was really passionate about creating unique experiences, bringing people together. The problem when you work for someone else, the people you're bringing together aren't your people. So you're kind of the behind the scenes individual. And through those years of working in corporate, and before that, and studying abroad and living in the middle of nowhere Ohio for college, I was just like, collecting people and realizing that all of these people need to know one another.
So I had to solve the problem. I had to solve for x, which was starting a female focused networking organization, which was not meant to be a business. It was just meant to be a community to bring humans together organically, where we handpick who you meet while networking.
So rather than walking in into a room full of strangers, I did the hard work for you and picked who you met. So fast forward, lived in New York City, started my entrepreneurial journeys there, met my husband, and I think you know this story, but I met him on a bachelorette party in New Orleans. I tried to steal his Uber, as one does sober-ish.
[LAUGHTER]
I ended up following him. He lived in San Francisco and ended up relocating my whole life to San Francisco, which I never, ever, ever, ever, ever thought I would do. That I was that person, Emilie. That was like fantasizing about my 6th floor walk up and being a mom on it, which is a whole different conversation.
EMILIE: I feel like a New Yorker. Getting a New Yorker out of New York has to be true love or a full on mental breakdown. There's only two ways to leave New York.
EMILY: It might have been like a part one and part two of that one. Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
San Francisco. And then about two of the years in San Francisco. Just kind of wild to reflect on were pandemic and San Francisco really followed the rules. So it was. It was a lonely city. It was a hard place to be, in terms of everyone, it was like a mass exodus of humans. And then we had our son in 2021, and my sister was very manipulative and convinced her whole entire family to move to Denver. So fast forward, she became a realtor and sold us our house. And now we live in Denver with her across the street.
EMILIE: That's a good way to do it. You know, Colorado kind of sells itself, but only to an extent. You know, you really do need a realtor most of the time, so I feel like that makes it really frictionless. You're like, okay, sis, I am that sister for the rest of my family. So I convinced the rest of my fam, although we have a holdout in Austin who married a Texan woman, so I don't know if we're gonna make any strides there. But uh, true love will keep you in Texas, too. Well, that's quite a transition. And 6th degree society is
EMILY: Now Second Degree Society.
EMILIE: Second Degree Society. Oh, tell me about that, because I noticed the podcast name was Second Degree.
EMILY: Yeah, we did, as of January 2024, we did a rebrand. It had been ten years of me building this little business up, and I figured the hypothesis of Six Degrees of Separation doesn't really ring true anymore. You're not looking on LinkedIn for your Sixth Degree Connection. You're looking more for a Second Degree Connection. So I felt, you know, mix it up. Ten years, let's really, that's really confusing. No, yeah, no, it truly felt good just to be able to say that. We've knocked the numbers down a bit.
EMILIE: Yeah. And it feels like you do a lot of the matchmaking for folks that helps facilitate connection building. I wonder if this is sort of a story of, you know, the cobbler's kids have no shoes, right? Like, if you're the queen matchmaker for everyone in your community, who's the matchmaker for you? When you go from New York to SF all the way to Denver in 2022? With a one year old.
EMILY: With a three. He was three months when we moved here.
EMILIE: Three months. Oh, my goodness. With a three month old. I thought I was crazy. I mean, we're both in the same. In the same pot, honestly, because we put an offer in on this house when Max was eight days old.
EMILY: We got this house at four weeks old. When he was four weeks old. Yeah.
EMILIE: So we're similarly insane people.
EMILY: Yeah, all that. But that's a really good question. Who's my matchmaker? I would say that the moment that I fly my flag and I, with a problem, I have these super connectors that come out of the woodwork for me and are like, Emily, you need to meet and then fill in a list of 45 connections that come my way.
And it's actually funny, I went to a baby shower this weekend and I met one of those girls that I had met, I was introduced to on January 5 before I even moved here. We moved January 15, and I just put it on. I love using Facebook and LinkedIn to kind of like, source what I need. And we had been circling around each other and trying to meet up but as life would have it, it just didn't happen until this fateful baby shower where we're like, oh, my god, we're finally here. And we were connected three different times, three different people.
EMILIE: Big picture. What was challenging about that and what was joyful about that specifically, in the past few years, you know, so many of us have been navigating post-COVID isolation, that feeling of languishing. I just had Baily Hancock on the podcast. We talked about the Four C's to save humanity, connection, community, feeling like we're all overdue for more of that and maybe our skills are a little rusty. So what made that transition to Denver as a new mom, you know, manageable?
EMILY: Well, I'll say that this episode is going to be sponsored by Denver at the end of it, [LAUGHTER] so that's something that we should pitch. But I will say that the, the weather made it, especially in a time of like, late COVID. It was early 2022. The fact that there were 300 days of sunshine made it easier for people to say yes, to do things because the weather wasn't as detrimental as say, like, I don't know, Boston and where that people would be more fearful. But one of the things that, the first things that we did, which was so uncharacteristic, but it was really fun and it was a really fun way to, like, return to play, especially after being contained for so long.
We joined a bar league and what it was like through Volo Sports Bar League. And it was at this place in Denver called Lake Street Tavern. We have a three month old at home. All of these people are like 23 to 25 and are in the same similar boats as we are. They're like fresh either in a new city. We met one of our dearest guy friends there who was like, post divorce, moved from Nashville to Denver. He's our age. And it was so cool because we were able to kind of like, embrace that college childlike spirit of playing games to meet people.
So getting uncomfortable was number one. Number two was making a lot of asks for friend dates. One of the now, like, my closest friend in Denver who I didn't know before moving here, I met on a plane and I met her sitting next to her from San Francisco to Denver. So we had like the San Francisco, the shared background together and she is not an entrepreneur. So we had nothing really in common about, she's a doctor, so she had the San Francisco background and she asked me, I remember I asked her for her number and she made the first move and she asked me if I wanted to get happy hour. And I really didn't want to fall into this pattern of just drinking.
And I think that's something also. You know, we're like late thirties just thinking about, like, the type of lifestyle we want to have. And I realized she was, at the time, she was single, but she was my age, and so she was a yes friend. So I think when you move to a city, finding yourself a yes friend who will go to go to places that your more settled friends will probably say no to. So she and I became, our friendship really flourished, I wanted to try rock climbing, and she said yes. She started rock climbing. So we made like a standing date every Thursday to go rock climbing and then grab dinner afterwards.
EMILIE: I do think there's a couple of things to what you're saying that's very relevant, particularly to Gen Z. Right? Because the sobriety movement and like, just drinking less or not drinking at all is really becoming quite widespread. I think now that it's very clear there are absolutely no health benefits to drinking, right? And you're like, wait, I'm going to pay you to poison me? And then feel like s*** the next day, it's like, yeah, being a parent makes that calculation way different, right? But just I think in general, finding a way to socialize without booze is on a lot of our minds lately.
And then the sports league concept, like a bar league, I think we're craving structured social outings, right? I just had an interview with this amazing author, Julia Hotz, who wrote a book called The Connection Cure, brand new. And really what she talks about is social prescriptions, how doctors are saying in the UK and elsewhere.
In addition to your Zoloft, I need you to join, like, a biking club, or I need you to take an art class, which is like, how did we get here? Right? Like, that has come so far from where we are as human beings that we need a doctor to tell us to go socialize like big boys and girls. You know what I mean?
EMILY: It's so fascinating. You say that. So another thing that I really plugged myself into since moving to Denver, I was doing the online workouts and I had a virtual accountability buddy, so like it kept me going, but it reached a point where I was like, oh, I can't stay online for more than 45 minutes. Oh, 30 minutes. Ten minutes is enough. And so getting back into a class modality and, like, being penalized if you didn't show up via, via class pass or whatever the membership was.
But I joined core power yoga, and I saw an email come through from them yesterday saying how 60% of people who are depressed who do heated yoga, and I'm probably going to misquote it, like, their depression dissipated by, like, a humongous amount. And that, that's so crazy to think about, just in terms of. To what you're saying about, like, the isolation and whatnot. Like, movement is such a fundamental part of our own happiness cure.
EMILIE: Absolutely. And doing it in a social way as opposed to the apps, you know, you're making me question my little Tone It Up subscription app. I do every morning, you know, but it's like.
EMILY: It is.
EMILIE: It's hard to find time. I think, as a mom in particular, I wanted to ask you, you know, you said we joined a bar league. I presume that's you and your partner, right?
EMILY: Yeah. Yes.
EMILIE: And so how is it different moving to a new city with a family, a husband, and a kid, as opposed to, hello world I'm 22, and I'm new in New York. Like, that seems so different, doesn't it?
EMILY: It definitely is. You kind of. I feel like, in a way, my husband has become my mom, in that when you were younger, you would ask your mom permission before you could go say yes to a sleepover. And so now I'm like, hey, um, this is terrible. This is terrible to, like, say out in a place that's going to be recorded, but I'll typically commit to something and then ask him permission. [LAUGHTER] Hoping.
And I don't know if you're this way with your husband, but my. My husband is social, but, like, he doesn't need it the way that I do. And so, like, my Monday and to Fridays could be packed with things, and then I'll sign us up for, like, one social commitment on the weekend. And he's not someone that needs to be, like, at the, I don't know, uh, what do guys even do?
[LAUGHTER]
EMILIE: Well, it's funny, I married an architect who's also a Cancer. That's a sign. So he loves making wherever his home is, like, the best place to hang out. And so that works really well. And I'm always out and about, you know, last week, I had a keynote up in Vail. I was just gonna make, like, a one day trip of it because it's doable. And then I heard that one of my besties in Denver was gonna spend a spa weekend up there alone. That she and her husband had gifted her this trip for Mother's Day. And she left her two small children, including one newborn, basically at home.
And I was like, Brad, I can't not spend the night because I have to get dinner with Janelle. And he's like, go for it. You know, because. But you. You're right. There are just the logistics of care, the whole childcare situation. And we're lucky we have family nearby, right?
EMILY: So lucky with family. But I would also say, like, I get DM's from people on Instagram being like, you travel a lot Emily. Like, what's the deal that you've worked out with her husband? And I was like, the deal is happy wife, happy life. Like, there's no deal. There's no, like, tit for tat. I get a trip now. You get a trip. I wish she traveled more. I'm like, please go away. Like, I love you so much, but you deserve to travel as well. I just. It fills my heart. And when, to your point, like, if a Vail opportunity picked up, why. Why would I say no to it?
EMILIE: Yeah. And to be clear, the opportunity was dinner and a night out with my girlfriend. So I was like, um, done. Unless there's a good reason not to, you know?
EMILY: Yeah. Which could be a whole other episode, too, about expectations of men and women in the household. But, like, my husband, when I thank him for watching my son, he'll be like, it's our son and I love him. And he is my favorite little human to be with.
EMILIE: I hate how radical this seems to people on Instagram. You're like, this is not radical.
EMILY: My mother is like, back in my day, your father never changed diapers like you would never be. You know, my dad thinks my husband's a saint. It's just. It's fascinating. Just,uh. But family, yes. My sister is a free babysitter, and so is my mother, and so is my best friend. We'll trade babies. Yeah, and that's really helpful. And then when I have to pay, I'm like, are you effing kidding me? How expensive.
EMILIE: I mean, I wish my sister was free. She's eleven years younger than me, so I feel like paying her is like, you know, paying it forward. But, yeah, she gives, she gives us a good rate, I’ll say.
EMILY: That's good.
EMILIE: But, like, how does it enter into the friend making equation? The fact that you've got a little tot, you know, is it a barrier? Is it an asset? You know? And I don't want to call your son an it, Jackson. Right. How has he factored in, to you building a life here?
EMILY: I would say at the beginning, I felt like he was, like, a bigger part of my identity in terms of. I've tried to seek out more of the mom friends, and now I'm noticing, like, I've. A lot of my close friends aren't moms, which is bizarre. They hang out with him. He comes to ski weekends. I feel like they get a taste of whether or not they want to get off birth control with him. They're contemplating their future.
So we live across the street, candidly, from our daycare. And so that was a really great tool for getting into. He was a great tool for getting into the daycare and befriending the parents of the daycare. And I would, you know, hang out one on one with some of the moms. But I was surprised, actually, that I haven't deepened those friendships as much as I thought I would initially. And I thought I'd be, like, more mom centric. Initially I thought, I don't know if you felt this way, Emilie. Like, after I had my son, I was like, I'm changing my business model. I'm gonna do mom coaching.
EMILIE: Matrescence will do some weird things to you. Yeah. Like, the entryway into motherhood will mess with your identity big time. That's for sure. We're going to try to do a whole episode on Matrescence soon, but I am curious. Like, the mommy wars of the 1980s would have us believe that moms and women without children have nothing in common. And it's like, you know, I have friends who are child free by choice, and our friendships definitely shifted a bit. Granted, they were long distance to begin with. You know what I mean? They weren't, like, in my backyard. But just the like, relatability kind of is hard sometimes. So I'm curious how you found that dynamic. And do you think it's impacted how you approach your life, your career, your motherhood? Being surrounded by people who are also navigating life without children.
EMILY: It has definitely been a moment of. The biggest moment of realization to your point about the friends who don't have kids. I was traveling in Europe this summer for a friend's wedding, and my best friend from middle school was there. And this woman, I thought she'd be the first of our friends to be married. I know she wants kids, but she's lagging behind what, uh, my expectation of her was and her expectation probably and will probably be married this year and whatnot, and really wants children.
But it was my husband pointed it out. He's like, do you notice you talk about Jackson a lot? And we had Jackson with us, and our schedules definitely had to be adjusted more because we had a two year old in Italy. But it was interesting to see some friends who I didn't think were, like, very kid friendly, really be empathetic and bend to our situations. And then the friends who, like, want the kids the most were a little less bendy, and that was frustrating.
So I think it's being really cognizant and also not, and trying to be aware of how I'm speaking around to the people that aren't kid, I like, like, who don't have kids or children without child free. I was like, children without choice.
[LAUGHTER]
EMILIE: Not quite. Yeah. Which is child free. Yeah. Yeah.
EMILY: Which is ironic, though, Emilie. I'd say I have some friends that are child free who have, like, put it big on their social media that they are child free and this is what they want, and blah, blah, blah. They're not going to change their mind, sneak into my DM's and start asking me questions and say that my version of being a mom has inspired them, that maybe they could do it.
EMILIE: Wow, that's interesting. I always think it's more about them than it is about us. Like, not us as in moms, but just, like, people are just projecting, you know, when kids trigger grown people, which happens. Like, it happens, it's like, do you want to talk about your childhood right now, or you want to save that for a therapist's office? Because I'm not really interested. Like, I have my own child to care for right now.
EMILY: You know, you nailed it. And that's. That's what it usually comes down to, is, like, the way that they saw their mom was confined to a suburban household with no identity.
EMILIE: And how sad is that? I mean, it's great that you're inspiring them, but man, it's 20 f****** 24. It's like, when are we gonna acknowledge? And really, this has more to do with men, right? For heterosexual couples, it's like the men are the ones changing their gender roles around fatherhood way more, as you alluded to generationally, than we are. It's just like, women demanding it, I guess, or expecting it or having those conversations ahead of time and being like, you know, this is what an egalitarian household looks like to me is going to be key.
EMILY: That's what the conversation's looking like. But to go back to your question, it is interesting thinking about when someone asks me to do something now. My brain's not like a, h*** yes. My brain's like a, okay, let me filter through. Is this something that is worth my time a bit more and being more cognizant of time energy, and also, and you and I know this. We've been emailing, like, for weeks to schedule, too. Like, I am so free as a bird typically Mondays and Fridays, and will socialize, but on the weekends, I'm pretty precious.
EMILIE: I'm pretty protective on the weekends, too. Yeah. And honestly, just, like, it's not that you were being more choosy, it's that our time is more limited. Right? Full stop. And that, like, you want to have precious time with your family, it's like, you know, it has to be worth it. But that's tricky because it can also be an excuse for isolating. You know what I mean?
I know women who've just, like, moved to a new city. The friction involved in making new friends as an adult is hard, no matter what. If you've got a caregiving role, it can be really easy to get swept up in that and say, this is my priority. This is what's most important to me. And just letting your social life atrophy. So what would you advise someone who's in that position, like, whether they're a parent or not, how do we resist the ease of letting our social networks die? Right? Cause it's so easy to do nothing. What are the things that we should be doing to do something?
EMILY: Such a good question. And I feel like we could ponder this like a philosopher for days. But I think what you said earlier about the prescription with the doctor, and I think thinking of it as giving yourself that prescription. So whether it's, you have a kid and, you know, no one, joining that music class and being a stranger and feeling uncomfy for a little bit, just like, you'd feel uncomfy if you traveled to a new country and didn't speak the language. Like, there's going to be a moment of adjustment.
And then similarly for you, I love challenging myself, and this is me as a psychopath. Like, once a week, doing something that is not hosted by Emily. Like, how can I say yes to something that is a change in my schedule? Going for a walk, you know, at this time, versus going to my yoga class. How about saying yes to Acro Yoga versus Hot Yoga, you know, like, doing something that's a little bit different. I love working out as a way to get me committed to something and also someone else.
So I usually, my hack, and this has been my hack for years. So again, I told you I joined Core Power Yoga. Love it. I also am obsessed with Bodied right down the street from me. And one of the things I have guest passes to both. And so I'll typically ask someone to join me as my guest. So it's easy for them and it removes the friction for them to say yes. And then it creates that time if it's early enough in the morning where we have space to like have coffee afterwards and connect and or if it's in that afternoon slot. And then the second thing that I do, I joined a co-working space social club called Birch Road. And similarly same thing, like, can I invite someone to an event and like treat them as my guests? So again, it's easier to reduce the friction and extend the invite.
EMILIE: So be someone who invites others and then you're getting a lot of those others, it sounds like from when you're brand new, like social media, the power of second degree connection. I think that makes a lot of sense. So it's a warm lead.
EMILY: One of the first connections I made when I moved here, and you probably know her from house flipping, is Tammy Merrell. And we met on a Facebook group for I joined a Facebook group and I know social media is mixed, but I think, like, join a Facebook group based on the interest you're in. I'm in like, all the networking ones, I'm in all the business ones, I'm in all the social impact ones. And it's a great way to like, jump in when you're ready. But she had the same last name as me and I dm'd her and I was like, oh, my gosh, we live in the same neighborhood. We should meet up, find that commonality, find that social connection point that makes them say yes. And most of the time people will say yes because they're feeling that isolation and loneliness as well.
EMILIE: That's true. I think we make it scarier in our heads. I mean, and what if it's a dud of a date, like a friend date, and you're like, wow, I do not wow, do not hang out again. Like, has that ever happened? And what do you do? Is it like, uh huh, yeah, I'll call you. Like, how do you navigate that?
EMILY: I have been on those dates before where I'm like, I feel like someone took my soul from me, like they tapped my energy source where they didn't ask me a single question about me. And I'm like, oh, yeah, sure. Let me give you all my life secrets. Because I'm an excuse. Yeah, it's. And you just kind of brush it off and recharge your batteries for the weekend and ignore. Put your phone on. Do not disturb.
EMILIE: You're like, this is not gonna happen. And it's survivable. It's not pleasant, but it's manageable.
EMILY: And I would say, and I'm curious if you, how you feel about this, but, like, as entrepreneurs, oftentimes our days are filled with other entrepreneurial, focused people. So it's nice to surround yourself with people that aren't necessarily only speaking the same language as you.
EMILIE: Totally. I don't want to be talking business all the time, I guess, is the, uh. I mean, that's why Colorado life is so lovely. People are really into their hobbies here. I'm, like, the least into my hobbies. Among everybody I know here, I'm like, I need to be more into my hobbies.
EMILY: I don't even know what my friends here do, honestly.
EMILIE: I have a lot of camping buddies that fell into that category for many years. And then I found out, I was like, oh.
EMILY: You're like. You're the president of, um, what?
EMILIE: Yeah, exactly. So funny. I love it. I've got one other question for you. Not to drag us back into feminism and heterosexual relationship talks. Although, honestly, like, I love that terrain. So, you know, one of the populations I've worked with for years, one of my clients is called The Military Spouse JD network. And so Mil spouses are specifically women, mostly women, but lots of people who are married to service members whose careers take them all over the world.
And while that's not exactly your situation, you are what they would call in the research a trailing spouse, meaning you've been, you know, moving from New York to SF, and then was it your husband's job that kind of brought you to Denver, or no. How did that work?
EMILY: It was my sister. It was. We saw an opportunity with Covid for my husband's job to be remote, and we're like, let's act now before they change their mind. And so we acted very, very, very quickly.
EMILIE: And on the. I mean, I've been covering a lot of the return to office mandates, and, like, the policies are impacting so many families. Like, probably your husband, who's a lot of employees, have just moved. And so I'm just wondering, how did that experience feel in terms of him moving for you or you moving for him in some ways, when it comes time to decide where you want to live and raise a family.
EMILY: Well he gets to decide next, which is a little scary. We, uh, were talking about this yesterday because he's from Canada and he's like, we're going back. We're going back to Canada. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't think so.
EMILIE: I'm gonna need to see a pitch deck, honey. Yeah.
EMILY: Yeah, exactly. Like, let's see. Is it the comparative. Like, what are the pros and cons? Let's do Australia for moving someplace part of the commonwealth. But I found that moving for him was hard. That was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life because I moved into a city that I wasn't very warm to. Like San Francisco was, uh you lived in SF?
EMILIE: No, I didn't.
EMILY: No, we just met there.
EMILIE: I felt like you were the queen of SF when I first met you. Everyone in SF knew you. That's so wild for me to hear.
EMILY: That's how small it was.
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EMILY: I felt, I don't know, I felt it's terrible because it's a beautiful place and so many smart people, but I just felt kind of dead when I lived there. Like, I didn't feel like I was. Like I gained weight. Like, I didn't feel as bold. I didn't feel as adventurous as my New York self. Like, and I think there's this. There's good and bad for both of them. It taught me how to slow down. It taught me that there's life beyond your business. There's taught me how to compromise and share perspectives versus the Emily Merrell show all the time. But it was hard.
And I, the first few weeks he worked at Zynga and I would follow him to work. We lived in Mission Bay, which was like, kind of an. It was a very modern part of town, but it was very sterile. And it didn't feel like the SF that I imagined SF to be. And it was also. We moved into an apartment he'd lived in with his ex-girlfriend and his dog was a puppy at the time and had, like, pee all over the place.
And, you know, just all of these things. And so I would walk with him to work and I would, like, work in the atrium at his company and have lunch with his team. And then I started challenging myself and doing what I said earlier, like posting on Facebook and LinkedIn, like, hey, I'm in SF. Anyone have, who should I meet here? And getting out of my own way. I also didn't have a car. And SF was a very hard city to navigate. I was, like, paying $15 an Uber each way, and I was like, this is getting very expensive. Well, in New York, you just hop on the subway.
EMILIE: Well, I just think that's really powerful story to share because of what I know. And I think a lot of people who know Six Degrees Society now, Second Degree Society, like, okay, so I just feel like your network there in SF grew so tremendously. And you're saying you started from absolute zero, like, ground zero there basically.
EMILY: I had started. I was not completely ground zero. I had launched a chapter there in May of 2016, and I moved there in October of 2017. So I gave myself, like, some time to build some, some relationships and friendships. I found, though, and this is something that I think is something to consider for people of how they navigate a city. I was such a walker, and, like, I had to walk everywhere.
EMILIE: So New York of you, yeah.
EMILY: I know. You know the memes where they, like, they're like, your New York friend moves to San Francisco. Like, that was me.
EMILIE: I love that girl, Shannon something on TikTok. Yeah, she's got those hats. Yes.
EMILY: Love that to a tee. I nailed it. I was like, oh, why is everything closed? Like, where are we going next? What do you mean? We're going to bed. It was such a culture shock. So I felt like when I moved to Denver, New York was like a million miles a minute. San Francisco was like, very slow mile, and Denver was kind of my goldilocks, like the right temperature.
EMILIE: Yeah, I love that. If it gets any slower than Denver, I don't think I could do it. So I'm not sure I'm cut out for Colorado, or for California, rather.
EMILY: I think LA would be different. San Francisco is, like, just tired. Yeah. Sleepier and cold, it’s so cold.
EMILIE: Well, if you can do it, we can all do it. Right? Like, if you can start over as a family, if you can start over as an individual. I mean, you've navigated this on multiple fronts. I'm so enticed by your matchmaking skills and how you've put them to work, not only for others, but also for yourself. I think that's a beautiful place to end us. Tell our listeners where they can learn more about Second Degree Society and your coaching practice and you.
EMILY: So I host events monthly in Denver. So if you are interested in learning new things, making new friendships, come join an event. Our first event, virtually, is completely free. Come as our guest. You can check out on the website. And I'll prompt you how to check out for free. We host one event virtually every single week. Like someone who loves to learn.
I kind of created my adult college for the modern woman. And to learn more about coaching, you can go to Second Degree Society as well as our master and events. So check everything out there. And if you want to follow me directly, I'm on Instagram at @EmilyAMerrell, so feel free to slip into my DM's.
EMILIE: I love it. And I will drop links to all of those resources in today's show notes. Emilie, thank you so much for joining me virtually, and I'll see you in just a few.
EMILY: See you in a few, thank you.
EMILIE: For links to everything Emilie and I just talked about. Head to bosssedup.org/episode458. That's bosssedup.org/episode458.
I want to hear from you. What stood out to you. Today's conversation. What do you make of networking in a new place, building a community, or considering to relocate your entire life, career, and perhaps even family? How do you balance networking with caregiving?
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And what is your spouse's take on all this? I'd love to hear from you, as always, in the Bossed Up Courage Community on Facebook, or in our Bossed Up LinkedIn group. And until next time, let's keep bossin’ in pursuit of our purpose. And together, let's lift as we climb.
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How to communicate like a pro.